Why is that? This is a concept I have mulled over for several days now. A thought I have pondered and simmered on. And I can only resign myself to the realization that I have trained myself that way. I taught myself to hate the term, the definition, the concept of struggle. I have clouded my reasoning with tales of perfection, with lies of having it all together somehow, when the reality is as far from the truth as it could possibly be.
I struggle. And as much or as little as that is shocking to anyone, it is the truth. Most days I feel like I am treading water to just stay afloat, like I am gasping for every breathe. And somehow I have convinced myself that it's a bad thing. I have told myself to pretend, to give a facade that it's all ok. That I am at ease and without the fight. Which let me tell you is wrong. So far from right that it's zip code is unidentifiable.
I struggle. And even as I write this, I can't believe the strong and culminating desire I have to defend it. To somehow convince you that are reading that it's not that big of a deal. I slipped and told you I struggle, and now I have to back pedal. "It's not really a struggle, it's just a rough patch." "I'll be fine, I'll get over it." "I just have to be strong enough."
Gosh, I hate that word. Enough. I wish I was enough. If only I was enough. Smart enough. Skinny enough. Pretty enough. Good enough. Enough enough enough enough ENOUGH. For what? When did that happen? When did that word become a standard? What even is enough? And yet that word blares in my head all day, every day, every second. Why? It's because I have defined it by giving myself a line. If I cross this line of perfection. That is enough. I am enough. I struggle with being enough. And yet if you asked me "enough for what?" I couldn't tell you because I don't know. I have a wonderful fiancé who loves me. I have a family who supports me. I have many friends that love me, and a few of those friends that know me and all my flaws and would still take a bullet for me. I have a God who has never left me even though I fail him constantly. So what is enough? If I am honest, enough means I don't struggle. If I'm honest, enough means easy. Well, here is honesty; i struggle.
You ready for more honesty? Here it is: I struggle with dishonesty, irony I know. I lie. I exaggerate. About the dumbest things too. I am so insecure in myself that I decide for people how they feel about me and that I am not good enough and so I have to create something different so that you will like that better. It is a serious temptation for me. Whenever I am telling a story, I decide that I'm boring you, so I make it bigger. Sometimes I have to remain completely silent, or hold my breathe because it is so strong of a fight for me to not lie. I got asked to leave school for a semester because I lied, and I hurt a lot of people. I fight everyday with this. [ I have erased this part twice because the thought of anyone knowing this struggle makes me panic. But you know what? It is a part of me. I wish it wasn't but it is and I struggle with it.]
I struggle with anxiety. I worry about things and cry over things out of my control. I panic and hyperventilate at not knowing what will happen. [ like what people with think of me after reading what I wrote above.] I have to count to 10, and recite verses to not throw myself into the nearest wall sometimes.
I struggle with insecurity, big time. Like humongo, gargantuan, big fat enormous dose of insecurity. I am loud, and obnoxious, and have problems with personal space. I talk too much, and want to be the center of attention. I want you to like me, and I'm aggressive abut it. I cry at night sometimes in my bed because I feel like I am the most inadequate person around? I struggle with the thought that I am ugly, that I'm fat, and stupid. I struggle that I am inadequate at my job, at my major, my minor, at my friendships, at my relationship, at my future marriage, at everything. Sometimes I change myself, without thinking about it, if it means you like me better. I'm insecure. Boom, I said it.
I struggle with lust. Not much else to say other than, I have to fight to keep my mind pure. And let me tell you, keeping your mind pure(or body pure) while engaged to a man that fulfills your needs and loves you and happens to be absolutely, undeniable handsome is a STRUGGLE. But I do it.
Do I sound pathetic or what? so what's the point of all this confession? Please stick with me for a minute. Well other than to be real and honest, it's to say that I'm proud of my struggle. Yes, I said it. I'm proud of it. Because as much as it stinks and sucks to struggle, it means I'm fighting. Oh! More shocking statements; struggle is a good thing. Yes! Because Satan wants to convince us that to struggle means you aren't strong enough (there's that word again) Which is totally and absolutely true!! Thus, we need a savior! If we didn't struggle, we wouldn't need saving. So I wake up in the morning and I fight! I exert myself to not lie, I exhaust myself keeping my mind pure, I gasp for breathe to stay calm and trust it's all going to be ok, I crawl on my hands and knees to be secure in my heart. Do I fail? I DO, EVERYDAY! But I try. I don't give in. And I STRUGGLE, not for myself but for a God who loves me and died for me. . And one day, I will say "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course, I have kept the good faith" - 2 Timothy 4:7
So, think what you will about me now that you know my flaws. Hate me or love me, judge me or don't. But I challenge you, to struggle.
Love you all. Thanks for reading.
